Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
