He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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