M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I deserve this hangover.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
