Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I didn't shave. On purpose
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is the high leading the old right now
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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