i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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