Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
