I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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