i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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