I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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