sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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