i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
