she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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