My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
