I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
