you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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