I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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