is your mom at the bar?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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