I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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