as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
