one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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