why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
