As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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