dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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