youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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