You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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