i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
