Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
