he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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