while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
