That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
