Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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