Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
