I just threw up on my dentist
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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