Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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