You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize