I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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