Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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