Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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