I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
