Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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