Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
