I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
