Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
