yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
