the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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