We're facebook friends in real life
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
