I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
