I think my vagina is haunted
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
