Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
