please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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