come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
