i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
