life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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