when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
