The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
