If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
