Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
