if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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