Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
