I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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