I accidentally burped into my bong.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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