did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
