I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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