I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
