her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
