She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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